depression
that's it
ok not really
I recently hit the 3 month mark of being on exchange. Very soon I will hit the 100 day mark. Holy moly the time has FLOWN by already. But in these last 3 months, I've had my fair share of ups and downs, and that's what I'm going to go into in this blog post.
Before I came on exchange, I wouldn't say I was what one might call "mentally stable", but what teenager is mentally stable in this day and age? Since I arrived in Peru, things have gotten even *WEIRDER*. Big oof.
I would also like to mention, please excuse my use of slang and just bad English in general on this blog. I write how I talk. As I go along, this is exactly what is going through my brain and my fingers are just spitting out what my brain tells it to.
As far as my mental health goes, I never had to take meds or anything that was a big deal. I'm not going to go into too much detail just because that is personal ish stuff that I try to keep to myself. Even though they say you're not supposed to do that, oh well, I'm living my best life.
My mental state goes back and forth between 2 different... things? states?
Obnoxiously happy, and excruciatingly depressed.
There's nothing in particular that triggers either of those feelings, but it is just so bizarre. I don't really have an in between those 2 feelings. Thankfully, I'm more often obnoxiously happy that excruciatingly depressed. Otherwise, we would have a problem. I use obnoxiously happy in a sense of such an abundance of joy that it almost annoys me because I'm so happy that I can't actually express how happy I am. That makes absolutely no sense, but nothing about this blog post makes sense.
like I said, my fingers are just going
and it's kind of weirding me out now how I have this random voice in my head continuing to talk to me like this and they're still just going
so I'll try and swing myself back onto topic
MENTAL HEALTH
So I am a happy content camper here on my exchange, and I credit all of that to God. I have become very dependent in my faith since being here while also being challenged and tempted in ways that I never have been before.
Why am I choosing to publish this on the internet for everyone in the world to see, I don't know...
But yes. I am in a very not strange but... I don't have a word for it. I am in a "place" in my walk with God at the moment. I haven't been to church since I've been here, so 3 months. Which is a long time, and strange for me. I am very used to getting my weekly dose of Jesus and vibing off of other people to get pumped about serving the Lord and worshipping with others. But now, I've had to solely rely my God-given strength to keep that fire burning.
also, this is another random me being distracted as normal, but I'm trying to get my parents to call me at the moment so I can talk to them but they're not responding to my Facebook messages and I'm starting to get annoyed. sorry to throw you under the bus, but like I said, my emotions and every little thing that goes through my head right now is NUTS.
So yes. My faith is definitely growing and developing in a way that I did not expect it to because I'm growing spiritually but almost growing apart from God, and it's a weird feeling. I'm not sure how to describe it at all. But He gets me through every little bump in the road that has come my way. Thankfully worship music can normally solve any strange mood swings.
So happiness, depression, two very contradicting things that are both very present in my life at the moment. I don't think I have much else to say. Who am I kidding, I have an overwhelming abundance of things to say, and that's why I might end this vent, rant, chat, ted talk, whatever you want to call it, right here. But I haven't decided yet.
I guess I'll talk a little more...
So as far as being depressed goes, there's no real apparent reason for why I get depressed. It just comes out of no where sometimes and it seems like I'm drowning in the hole of emptiness that is anything but fulfilling. But while I feel this different kind of sadness, it's almost as if I have no feeling at all. It's such an empty sadness that I can't actually feel the sad itself. Isn't that WIERD?!
The depression hasn't come my way in a couple days, so I'm very thankful about that. But when it does come, it does affect me. All I want to do is absolutely nothing. I really just want to be able to think, but it's as if when it does come, my ability to think is gone. Which is annoying because it also keeps me in a state of I don't want to eat, sleep, leave my house, watch Netflix, just NOTHING. Even though the result of this depression is me doing nothing but sleeping, eating, and watching Netflix.... it makes no sense I know.
While I am currently, as I am typing this, and have been for the last few days, content and productive- I don't know when or how this strange feeling will creep it's way back into my head. It comes and goes out of absolutely no where...
And just so everyone doesn't freak out, I have talked to my other close exchange friends, and it seems as though they are going through something very similar. I don't know what it is, I suppose just one of the strange mysteries of exchange...
Ok, now I think I'm done...
Ok, I am done, I just feel so strange about this that I don't want to stop writing about it... but for your sake as a reader, I will.
Thank you for tuning into whatever this was. I'm not even going to reread it or edit it, just publish it and hope it makes sense. Now you know how my brain actually functions and what it's really thinking most of the time. I can't stop typing... ok I'm done. Like stop already. This is just getting weird, and makes even less sense, and I should probably delete all of this nonsense stuff, but I won't.
Ok. That's all. Esos todos. Thank you for tuning in. Gracias para todos.
Oh, I'll get into Spanish later... that's for another... like I said whatever this is. And it will probably be longer than this one, fair warning. My brain can't seem to decipher the difference between Spanish and English. I speak 0 languages.
Ok. I'm done.
Maybe some peanut blossom cookies would help.